So today I was watching a Netflix show called Orange is the New Black. It's one of my favourite shows at the moment. I genuinely enjoy the drama that is presented by the show.
I won't spoil what episode and who said what but in season three right now. One of the characters talks about how its a bad thing to be emotional because it gets you in trouble a lot of the time. For some reason that really struck me. I have always found dealing with my emotions a little bit difficult and recently I have finally understood why and that is because of my anxiety. But looking back I start to wonder if being emotional did make life a little more complicated, and to be honest I really think it did - still does.
When I was younger I would just question everything that would happen. I needed to understand why things were happening all the time. With friends I was always scared and worried that I would lose them or if anything would happen I would take it extremely personal. When I was a lot younger I was more external with my thoughts but as I got older I started to realize that, actually, I can't be as emotional as I am and externalize it. I needed to be more internal about things.
As I grew older the conflicts would happen but they would stay in my head and it would be so difficult sometimes to rationalize that things are not as they are and sometimes I was just took things to personally. For example the type of thoughts that would go through my head on a daily basis would be "am I an annoying person?", "why is this happening?", "do my friends like me?", "am I a good friend?", "what do I need to do more to just be more likable?", "was that aimed at me?", "how come I wasn't included?", or "why didn't she call me?". It would go on and on like that even though I had this conflict that would answer those questions rationally and try to suppress them.
Eghhhh what a battle.
It still goes on now however now I am much more secure with my friends and family. I have also learned to accept myself. Despite everything that I learned from when I was younger with my family and friends, I am now facing this conflict in my work place. There are so many times during the day that I feel so insecure, yet I know that I am a valuable member at work. I just find it so hard to believe in myself and that I really am an important role in the entire team at my work place. I am working on it though.
So to answer this question, yes, for me emotions have gotten the best of me sometimes however my emotions are what make me passionate about my job, emotions are what make me love and be thankful for where I am and emotions are what make me care about other people - especially my family and friends. Sometimes I get so overwhelmingly thankful and I am so glad I can find that gratitude in a mind that can be so doubtful and anxious sometimes.
Its that constant battle of stopping and saying to yourself:
Not today, because today I am good enough :)
Sara
